LawSchoolUnderground

Whenever I insult God amongst a group of friends (verbally, not insulting him by me peeing myself in a bar or DUI-ing through a school zone), there's always at least one person who has to say out-loud "Well I don't feel that way, God". As if thereby protecting themselves from any possible and harmful insta-karma that would otherwise befall onto them as a result from my bad sense of humor, perhaps an unnoticed natural gas leak or a pack of lusty hobos waiting for them outside. But alas, they should fear not, as God has seemed to chill out in his old age. Surely if this were 5,000 years ago, he would obviously not have put up with any of my haughty bullshit. In fact at this point in my blog entry I would like to direct you, my two loyal readers, to my brother and I's favorite passage from the Old Testament - II kings 2:23-25

"23 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" 24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths. 25 And he went on to Mount Carmel and from there returned to Samaria."

Now THAT is badass. It's like God was some sort of insulted Crips gang-leader, that needs to take vengeance on 40 children for disrespecting one of his boys.

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When friends, family, and new acquaintances find out that I'm in law school, after they picture me dying lonely at age 35 from cocaine and booze, they almost always ask me for some sort of legal advice, or feel it necessary to describe an enthralling legal dispute they had with a neighbor over where they could put up a fence. I fear this will be a lifelong thorn in my side - people seeking advice (which I'm probably not even qualified to answer) when they are not actually paying me for it. It even happens at my school's Law Library, where I work one night a week at the "information" desk. A desperate person will call the info desk seeking "legal information" regarding obscure Massachusetts building codes, or the legal definition of "rape".

Luckily, we are not allowed to answer any legal questions whatsoever (can you say best job ever), but even when you actually find it necessary to pay a lawyer (currency, sexual favors, controlled substances...etc) he rarely knows what is going on, or what to do with your case. That is why I, a middle of the road, first year law student will explain to you the steps of how the normal legal problem is resolved.

Step 1. "Initial meeting" - In the first meeting you will tell your attorney a biased version of your legal problem, with the lawyer nodding his head and taking notes. He will likely not give any advice or even how he believes your chances are in litigation. This is because the lawyer has no idea what is going on, which brings us to

Step 2. "Lawyer finds a paralegal to do his research" - Legal research is very confusing, time-consuming, and easy to screw up. This is why we need paralegals and first year associates to do it for us. With all the relevant information in front of us in an organized manner, while drinking overpriced scotch we get to

Step 3. "Decision-making" - After viewing all relevant case law and statutes, we realize that you have a very poor shot of actually winning in court. This is when we become sly, and strangely turned on, young attorneys. The only way to get you any settlement or positive outcome is to use arcane rules of procedure and drag the case out long enough for the other side to become surly and decide to settle out of court.

So there you go, how 95% of our legal disputes are resolved. So hopefully the next time you have a contract dispute with your insurance company you can think of what actually goes on behind the scenes and smoke another joint laced with heroin in frustration. (On a side note, I know this annoying advice-seeking activity goes on in almost every field. Car mechanics probably get a million unsolicited questions regarding the transmission of imports; or when my older brother, an auditing accountant, gets questions on how to cheat on federal tax forms...C'MON MOTHERFUCKER I KNOW YOU CAN HELP ME).

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Ok, so I have a problem that I feel I need to briefly address here. No, I'm not gay or have a (serious) drug problem, but when I drink too much I feel the need to take all my clothes off and pass out in strange places around my apartment. Luckily my roomate, who's female, has gotten used to coming home from a bar late at night to see my jeans inside-out, strewn in the stairwell. It only gets awkward when she comes home, only to find me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing one of her dresses, with a map of Central-America drawn on my chest with her lipstick. So I suppose the moral of this story is that I shouldn't drink so much.

The crowd sitting at the sushi bar tonight all seemed strangely literate. All of us who went to eat there alone got stuck sitting at the sushi bar, together. Everyone, myself included, spent the entire time saying little, drinking (wine, saki, or Asian beer), and picking at their sushi with chopsticks while reading books, or writing.

The only reason I even went to the sushi joint in the first place was because I knew if I went to drink at the irish bar near my apartment, I'd eat something with meat in it. And even though I didn't even go to mass today for Ash Wednesday, I still have these urges to not fuck up Lent too badly. Hell, I'm even giving something up that I love: Taco Bell. I was going to give up drinking wine, but then I'd probably just down more liquor mid-week in absentia.

This is the first time I've had spring break so early in a semester. I mean there's still hardened snow covering everything. Most people are (rightfully so) out of town this week, but for the guys still hanging around, we went to an Indian casino last night for our lame version of mardi gras. What was lacking in underage girls exposing themselves, was made up for by winning money. I've always sucked at playing cards, and gambling in general, but I suppose everyone gets a lucky night here and there. I'm up at least $150, and plan on putting some of it back in my quickly shrinking checking account. Although having this much cash in your wallet is kind of cool (please don't rob me).